News Update: Party-Poopers

As per my last post, I’ve been keenly observing the news. My god, this country is a mess…

Warning: I have extreme biases against Brexiteers and dumb politicians.

Here in the UK, common assumptions mean nothing anymore. Most people thought Brexit wouldn’t be voted through. It was. Boris Johnson, who everyone thought was the most likely candidate by a long shot, to take over from David Cameron as Prime Minister, quit yesterday. So let’s just throw all common sense and assumptions out the window.

Tories who wanted to run for the leadership was to announce their candidacy before noon yesterday. Johnson, the walking-bimbo-blond-loud-speaker, who campaigned strong and hard for the Leave side, decided to wipe his hands of his responsibility in putting this country into disunity and utter chaos, and leave it up to five other Tories to clean up the mess.

This is all supposedly because Michael Gove, the justice secretary, who was thought to back Johnson, decided “No. F*ck you. I want my day in the sun.” and announced his bid for leadership.

As much as I despise Johnson, I hate Gove that much more. At least Johnson successfully–arguable–managed to run one of the biggest cities in the world and is rumoured to be a highly-intelligent person who created this persona of a stupid, silly, blond idiot to seem harmless to his opponents. Gove on the other hand, is the man who claimed during Brexit that “I think the people in this country have had enough of experts“, and accused them of “elitism”. As John Oliver put it best, “Yeeees. F*ck these eggheads with their studies and degrees. I get my economic forecast from Clever Otis, the GPD-predicting horse.”If he gains leadership, I’m afraid the brain-drain that was thought to be brought on by Brexit, will actually be mandated. And soon enough, this land will be overrun by donkeys and Clever Otis. I’m not saying that degrees are the best indicator of one’s intelligence but…


…interpret this how you will.

Although, with Johnson out, Theresa May, the home secretary, may have a high chance of winning the leadership. She voted Remain, thus, a sensible person to me. There is little hope that she will try and reverse a democratic decision (which is political suicide), but she seems more reasonable, compared to Gove. To be fair, even a cat high on catnip seems that way compared to Gove.

The other three candidates are not in the limelight nearly as much as May and Gove. Nonetheless, they are worth a mention, because as I’ve warned, assumptions about the outcome of things here in this country is on a one-way train to wrong-town. Stephen Crabb is the Work and Pensions Secretary. He also backed Remain. Andrea Leadsom, a former bank and fund manager, is the current Energy minister. She campaigned for Leave. Finally, Liam Fox, the former cabinet minister, who came third in the 2005 bid for leadership, is now trying again. He is apparently on the right side of the Conservative spectrum, and a Brexiteer.

Here is a useful little graph of how this election will proceed this Fall:


Let’s also mention the coup-d’etat that’s taking place over on the Opposition side of things. Jeremy Corbyn, who shocked everyone by overwhelmingly winning the support of his party last September, is now in the midst of a standoff against his own party’s MPs. These Members of Parliament blame Corbyn for Brexiteers winning in Labour areas due to his total lack of leadership. Last Tuesday, the Labour Party passed a vote of no confidence on Corbyn. But instead of stepping down, he is stubbornly sticking to his post. Cameron (we all still remember this knucklehead right?) also weighted in on this by telling Corbyn: “For heaven’s sake man, go.” Yes, just follow my example, man. Put your tail between your legs and run.

But Corbyn has a public mandate. He was backed by 60% of Labour party members only a few months ago. The Labour Party can either call a new party leadership election, which may result in Corbyn winning a majority again, in which case, they will all have to shut up and take it. Or those against Corbyn can split off into their own little Party, but that would open an even wider space for a Conservative victory in the next general election. Lip-Dems (Liberal Democrats, who were massacred in the last General Election) anyone?

There you have it. Grab your popcorn (I’ve got my bottle of “water” on the rocks), ladies and gentlemen. This is going to be an a wild and unpredictable performance.

Who said the British can’t be funny?

Other Highlights of Utter Embarrassment of and by British Politicians:


I’ll leave you with that, because that–my hand to my face with a “you must be f*cking kidding me” chuckle–will be my default position for the rest of the time I’m in London.

Happy Friday everyone.


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