The Fig Tree

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Dear Internet,

I am 26 years old. And I am lost.

I went to university thinking it could help me find myself. I came out of 4 years of undergraduate education more lost than when I went in. So, I went to do a double-Masters thinking further structured education would help. Surprise, surprise, I came out even more confused. I’ve been given too many choices, too many opportunities, too many possibilities.

“I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn’t quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn’t make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.” – Silvia Plath, The Bell Jar

I look around me and my peers are jetting off and working hard at nurturing their careers and passions. They know what they want in life. I am left behind under my fig tree while they speed ahead. I am pulled, this way and that way, by them, by family, by envisioned futures, by the fig tree sprouting brilliantly over head. But the longer I stand admiring the fruiting figs, the more dead figs there are. So, as I sit here in the sun of some random Sunday afternoon, I am determined to pick a fig.

This blog is an attempt to figure out my life. It’s pitiful really, a privileged, educated young woman moaning about being lost in life. It doesn’t deserve much from anyone except those who love me enough to pay this some attention. But nonetheless, I would like to take a tiny, insignificant morsel of the vast Internet to try and find something. Hopefully, along the way, I can also help another lonely, lost soul or two.

So I’ll connect the stars. I’ll search far and wide. I’ll find my fig.

I hope you will too.

-J

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